This new gig that we all entered into, some willingly, some mistakenly it will change us. It also is our ticket into the mom club where all these moms new this bad stuff happens to you, but no one wants to tell anyone. Why? You ask. Because some of the stuff that happens to you as a new mom is just ridiculous and down right cruel. I told you about my lovely experience as a pregnant lady here. Now it's time to dive into postpartum.
So you just gave birth. Everyone wants to see this wonderful bundle of joy. No doubt, people will come over unannounced, unless you are like us and put the lock down on visitors. Why did I say no visitors? You have just handed me a stranger that is suppose to live with us....for the next 18 years+ and we have no idea what he likes yet. Give us a sec to get things in order before you come knocking on my door with vegetarian lasagna so you can "help" us. Second, I have now added maxi pads the size of Montana to my wardrobe, that paired with the fact that I need to be near naked to feed my baby just doesn't really make for an inviting scene for guests.
Ahhhh, feeding your baby. How many times have you heard that if it hurts you are doing it wrong. I swear this is what they tell first time mothers to try to increase the people who try breast feeding. I romanticized my breastfeeding relationship with my baby. It was all I wanted to do the moment he came out. I was so happy that he latched right on. Flash forward 27 hours later and I am screaming for a pacifier, the same pacifier I swore I wouldn't give my child because the same people who told me that breastfeeding didn't hurt scared the living day lights out of me that if I gave a paci or a bottle my baby would never latch on again. I think, no I know that the people who created nipple confusion were men, the same men who do not want to give a bottle or have to figure out why their baby is fussing...just give them to person with the nipples. Well, you may be o.k with being a human pacifier but I say Soothies all around.
Another great thing that comes along with the wonders of breastfeeding...breast milk...everywhere. I smelled like breast milk mostly because I only had 2 nursing tanks and couldn't motivate myself to leave the house to purchase more. My bed smelled like breast milk because breastfeeding is a messy dance at first and your nipples have turned into Old Faithful.
I remember snuggling with Dufda and realizing that he, too, smelled like breast milk. EVERYTHING SMELLED LIKE BREASTMILK. It went great with the lingering smell of amniotic fluid from having my water break all over the kitchen.
Motherhood is messy. I never really feel clean anymore. The second I get out of the shower, Nugget will want to nurse and rub his slimy little hands all over me and there went my cleanliness. There is also the joy of having your baby spit up right down your shirt just so that is pulls in your cleavage. I know this has happened to you. Or when you have your baby flying like an airplane over your head and they spit up right in your mouth. You know you are a mom if going bra less/nursing pad less is a daring feat. I do this and I know I will wake up being one sticky breastmilk covered mess. Naked...that's really the only way to stay clean. And naked is what you need to be when you fall asleep after having a baby because those night sweats are no joke. When I stood up, it looked like a crime scene with my body print left in the bed.
Let's talk about that bed. Do you have some fancy schmancy bed set that you got for your wedding. Put it away now. Babies and down feathers don't mix. You need about ten sets of sheets and a waterproof mattress cover to contain the mess these little ones make. You may have all these sheets to change them out, but you know that there have been times when you baby has peed/spit on your bed and you have covered it up/moved over and continued sleeping. It's gross but we all do it.
Another wonderful thing to be scared about as a mom - Sneezing in Walmart. When I feel that sneeze coming on, my stomach sinks and I say to myself, "Please don't pee yourself, Please don't pee yourself." You stop concentrate real hard and let that sneeze out, yep life is wonderful being 27 and not knowing when you will pee yourself next.
Now onto that new matronly motherly bod you have. I made it my whole pregnancy without any stretch marks. I didn't slather myself in oil or rub lotion on my belly everyday. I thought I was super human, not only was I making a baby but my skin was super elastic as well. Two days post partum...what do you know, stretch marks everywhere! Don't brag that you don't have them because they will come and get you and make sure that you never wear a bikini again.
Nugget is now 3 months old and I am going bald. That is right...bald. What no one told you that along with that extra 20lbs you can't lose, the giant maxi pads that you are wearing, the fact that you may pee your pants at any moment that you will also go bald. Post partum hair loss is no joke. If I don't brush my hair 10 times a day I start to mat like my Great Pyrenees when she is shedding her winter coat. I like to call this time frame - I Think There Is a Bug on Me. I am constantly swatting at my arm to kill said bug only to find out it is another strand of hair.
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