Did my Underwear get Smaller or...

Today as I was getting ready for work all I could think about is,"Did my underwear get smaller or did my vagina get larger?"  I bet this thought is sitting in the minds of most postpartum women....or not. The problems is, is that can I really even be considered postpartum.  So here is my gripe:

I use to trot into Victoria's Secret and snatch up the 5 for $25 underwear and was so happy with the fit.  I probably had 400 pairs, because what else do you spend your money on before you have children?  Low rise, g-string, invisible...those were the best underwear.  This was all fine and dandy until Victoria Secret decided it was a great idea to change said underwear.  

They took their reasonable cotton underwear and added a scrunched seam in the back...why?!  The problem is you go to buy new underwear for whatever reason and you are struck with this discovery that your underwear no longer exist.  You pick up your allotted five pairs and go home slightly defeated but also excited because maybe these underwear are going to be awesome.  Well they aren't because who wants a seam that spans the length of your butt...no one.  Now I am stuck with these stupid underwear that I insist one day I will wear so I don't get rid of them.  

I go back to wearing the old pairs and make another trip out to Vicky's a couple months down the road and see that now they have done away with cotton completely.  My only option for underwear is now spandex yoga underwear that says stupid shit on the back like: Not tonight or I'm so Hot!  I pick up my 5 pair and get on my way.  These end up not being so bad and I stick with them for awhile.  Then something happens, something that will change my outlook on underwear forever.

I get pregnant!

I realized that being pregnant was going to make my size fluctuate so I headed for the Big Red instead of Vicky's for the maiden voyage in to maternity underwear.  I got some real practical cotton undies from my friend Gillian and O'Malley.  They too have a 5 pair deal, but for only $20!  What a steal.  For my first two trimesters I had about exactly 5 pairs of underwear that fit, it was awful.  They lasted through my whole pregnancy and stretched out to fit my ever growing bump.  Then something happened that would seriously make my underwear hunt ten times harder.

I gave birth!

Yeah, so I guess it was inevitable.  My maternity underwear that I loved so dearly were great right after I had my baby.  Then I started to shed the baby weight and thought I should give my former underwear a try.  Really what the hell was I thinking?  No self respecting woman should have Wanna Date? plaster on her ass.  The worse part is that I am seriously convinced that, overtime, Vicky's has sabotaged my underwear search by decreasing the crotch size on me....that or my vagina just got bigger.  I don't believe the latter to be true because my underwear drawer is basically a Victoria's Secret time capsule of the evolution of their panties.  Their crotch use to be as wide as a point and shoot camera.  Now?  We are looking at a stick of gum.  What the heck Vicky?  To my dismay I now need to go buy more underwear.  I go visit Gillian and O'Malley again and pick out some size appropriate drawers, obviously searching for the same ones I bought before.  I must have been feeling adventurous that day because I got silk and of course I got 5.  Why?  Because they stopped making the ones I liked!  My job basically equates to me climbing stair for a living, what the hell am I suppose to do with silk underwear?  No one likes silk underwear and if you do you are lying for the sake of your husband.  So I am now stuck with wearing my too big underwear from my pregnancy days.  Baggy underwear are the worse but I seriously do not have the patience to start this search again.  If I am not stuck in the saggy G&O's, I am prancing around with Out of Your League on my ass while Dufda just shakes his head.

Seriously why does underwear shopping suck so bad...or am I the only one?