Pregnancy is...

Now that I have had a couple month to bask in the glories of new motherhood, I would like to tell you what I think about the whole pregnancy experience   The entire 9 months I made sure I showered and did my make up before I took my weekly pictures.   This is not real.  No one does this when they are pregnant, so let's get real and talk about all the things no one ever tells you and all the awful judgements you are now subjected to.

So you find out you are pregnant. Yay! This is such an exciting time!  Well if you left it up to the entire population of the world, they would like nothing but to trample on your parade.  Don't let them.  I think being pregnant gives you the right to do what ever the hell you want.  You are making a frickin' human for Christ's sake.  Newly pregnant women have this battle that they must face.  If you were like me, you wanted people to know you were pregnant...you know because I have the super power of making humans and I think it is really cool.  The problem is, you don't look pregnant.  You will have to go buy maternity clothes and everyone will look at you like you are crazy.  You will try to plan for this baby and buy what it needs and everyone will tell you you have so much time.  I take this as making a new life is not nearly as important to the population as say.... wedding planning, since people take a whole damn year and still struggle to put together a wedding.

Once everyone finds out your pregnant you are faced with this odd question that most ask:  "Was it planned?"  What the hell does it matter if it was planned?  Do I need to tell you if it wasn't?  Does it make it any less awesome that I am making a human being right freakin' now?  No, it doesn't, so shut your trap!

Next up for discussion...your whoha...yep whoha.  Grey's Anatomy says va jay jay...I say Va-Giant,that's right chickas forget your Victoria's Secret Pink Yoga Hipster 6 for $25 underwear.  Let me introduce to a new secret...Hane's Her Way Granny Style.  Get to love them because after you give birth you and your va-giant will be wearing the biggest maxi pad/diaper your have ever seen.  Never in my life did I think at 27 I would be standing in Target with Dufda trying to pick out the right adult diaper for my needs...never....kids change things is all I'm saying.

Now that you have kissed goodbye to your whoha, let's talk about something else you will kiss goodbye to very soon...SLEEP.  There is nothing more irritating than when people tell pregnant women they should sleep because they never will again.  You can't store sleep nor is sleep very comfortable when you have a human the size of watermelon resting on your bladder.  You will try everything to sleep comfortably.  Your hubs...he will soon realize that your bed that your once shared and snuggled in, is now occupied by two people:  His crazy hormonal pregnant wife and his new arch nemisis...Snoogle.  You gave up your whole body to make this human for him, he is now going to give up his bed and get real acquainted on the couch while you have an affair with this magical "S" shaped pillow.  

Poor Dufda, I am almost positive he didn't know the half of what he was getting himself into when he got me pregnant.  Yes! This is all his fault I had to go through this : ).  Us, crazy pregnant women and later on crazy new moms expect our husbands to know all this random stuff that the world throws at you while we are pregnant.   You made me a turkey sandwhich?  Do you want your baby to die from listeria?  You want me to paint the baby's room?  Did the baby sign up to inhale toxins today?  What's that you say?  You won't give me a back/ foot/ whole body massage because I should just go in the hot tub.  Sure, 104 degrees sounds just about right for a fetus.  Your telling me that you did not know that this week the baby could see light/ developed eyes/ found his fingers/ some other obscure piece of knowledge you acquired from What to Expect When Your Expecting Volume 452, Iphone edition.   Your husband doesn't know this crap and frankly he doesn't and wont care.  Remember that you are growing this baby every second of everyday...he isn't and won't have the same attachment just yet.   It doesn't get any better when the baby comes.  Mother's are just made to care about things like rear-facing car seat requirements and when to feed baby solids.  I have recently found out that Dufda was researching proper handling of thawed breast milk, though.

Then you get to be about 5-6 months pregnant.  This is where shit starts to get real.  You are going to bring a baby into this world very shortly, or as I thought of it as bringing a stranger home who has to live with us from 18 years...really, you don't even know this person.  Once again the whole world will try to degrade the magnitude of this situation.  Three more months of pregnancy will turn into a lifetime for everyone else.  You will be too big or too small depending on who you talk to.  You are never just right or beautiful.  P.S  This is what you should say to every pregnant women.  You look beautiful!  That is it, end conversation.  This is about the time you can pull out the tape recorder, press record and repeat after me.  Yes, I am pregnant.  I am (insert weeks, then convert to months for the ignorant questioner), We are having a (insert gender), I am feeling very pregnant, thanks for asking.  Yes, we picked out a name (You will then need to spell it and justify it right now, because random person here thinks they now have a say in the naming of your children.), Then finish by asking the most stupid question ever.  Yes, of course I am excited.  You will be asked this every time you see people, so get use to it.

As if being pregnant isn't annoying enough, the most bothersome is how small your bladder has now become.  Let's jump to a lovely day I was having at work.  I decided I would wear demi-panel maternity pants when I was like 6 months pregnant.  As soon as you get a belly, demi panels should be retired because they are wildly uncomfortable.  Well I sat down at work and what do you know...I peed myself.  Awesome, right?  So I walk my pregnant ass down to the only store near my work...Rue 21.  No one should shop at Rue 21, specially not a 27 year old pregnant lady.  Well I had to purchase this stylin' pair of sweat pants with a raised velour heart on the leg (I guess it is better than being on my butt).  They were purple and I had to wear them the rest of the day at work.  Moral of the story:  You will pee yourself at some point, always have spare pants in your car.  Flash forward to the birth of my son...I wore those bad boys home from the birth center.

So after reading this you are probably thinking I never want to be pregnant again..totally wrong.  Being pregnant sucks, but you get this really awesome prize at the end...